NO WAX:::WORDS IV "I Need You to Know"

" I Need You to Know"

I don't know if you still come here.  Read what I have to say.  I hope that you do.  The you I am talking to knows who she is.  The rest that have come to read - Thank You.  I want you to know how much sorting things out in the fashion helps me.  From the insanity of my mind to the written word just thins everything out quite a bit.  I know that I am nuts; likely always have been.  I just don't know if it ever stops.  Will my pain ever f*^^&ng end?

I want to speak to you though, the one you  - you know.  I want you to know a few things.  I need you to know what I am screaming to you and what I have been trying to say.

I want to say first - I am sorry.  I am so sorry for everything that has happened.  It would seem at the end - boiled all down - I didn't really help you at all.  I wanted so badly to love you eternally - well at that I didn't fail - in my heart you are always going to be with me.

I watched all the videos today, the ones I still have.  I want you to realize I am more than partly responsible for this mess. That's is a fact.  But this part is really important-  

You told me 1000x that you were sorry.  Sorry for hurting me.  I am sorry to, but not just for me.  I am sorry for you.  The labor and work that you put yourself through to survive.  The efforts to be the person that can hold her head high.  I know you want this so god damn bad.  I know you want to be a role model to all that look at you.  You are my love - you are to so many - so many amazing things.

You past is in part a hell.  I know it was hard to survive everything that has happened to you.  I know that you never really wanted to hurt anyone.  Looking back at our history specifically - there was no other alternative really.  I was going to not come out on top from this one.  I know that if you think back and really remember how hard this was for me.  Everyday for over a year - such joy and such pain.  You came and left only to come back and leave again.  I think the whole fucking time you just needed a friend.  But you are captivating and brilliant - like a moth to a flame i was mesmerized.

I have acted harshly.  I know that I hurt you so badly.  If I can say to you now, I know that you never really tried to harm me although at the same time knowing exactly what was going to happen.  Can you think the same of me.  Can you know that I never wanted to hurt you, but knew that what I ended up doing obviously would.

If you look back on it all neither got a very fair shake.  I know the difference between you and I will dictate how the future rolls.  One will end up on top of the world.  The other six feet under the floor.  If not in body - maybe only in spirit.  (I don't know which is worse really)

Until then, stay insane.  It just makes for a better world, believe me.