NO WAX:::WORDS "Sometimes I can not believe my Eyes"

"Sometimes..."



I can't figure it out.  I simply can not understand why.  Why I have such intense feelings toward one person and how those feelings can permeate my entire body, life, circumstances and seep in to my future.  I  feel soaking wet.  Like I have been standing in the rain for days and days and I an simply soaked.  The water that  runs down my face, soaks my clothes and lays on my skin is liquid pain.  It does not fall from the sky but flows from an open, gaping heart that is broken wide open.  


I want the pain to go away.  I want to stop hurting and missing and longing and most of all crying.  I want to say that I have survived.  I have moved on.  But what does that mean exactly?  That I forget her.  That I try to change the fact I miss her, love her and want her back in my life so badly.  Do I really want to forget her? Do I not want memories?  Do I really not what to know what I know is true?  The truth that I have discovered and have realized from the very first moment that I ever really saw her?  That I will never be the same.  That it is absolutely impossible to love in a greater fashion.  That in the end, she turned to me and simply said, "Yes I love you W.  But I love him more."  That was 1/2 of all I ever needed to know.  The other half, eh..not so much.

I know she does not want me.  Can I be blamed for being so angry.  Then I made mistakes.  I am childlike in my response to life very often.  I can only say I sorry.  I can't quite do that effectively in 3.3 seconds.  I scream to you from my heart.  For your forgiveness.  For you mercy.  For you to allow me the chance to say to you in my voice and words...  "I do not know how to move on.  Not with you hating me like this."

There is one single person on the planet who know know the real me.  Or the me that could have been.. the better version of me.  The me that emitted love.  The me that was created for you.  The best me that there ever could be  - the me when I was with you...  There is a gift that a person possess.  That gift in you was to elicit something so strong that you changed me.  I am so sorry I that I got angry when you said that you did not want me.  I am sorry.  Forgive me.