"WIN OR LOSS"
A big win or the biggest loser. I don't really think there is a question. By the way, this is my blog to the cyber community and the world. If you do not want to read the things that are said here - then don't come here and read them. This is directed to no one in particular. There are people in the real world and in my life that I mention here to explain my thoughts and feelings, but never by name and so it could really just be anyone..
Yesterday I found interesting. I know that there has to be heavy emotion for the voice to crack, eyes flood with tears... I was clearly feeling the same. It was slightly hurtful when it was explained the ONLY time that you came back, I lured you in with requests for help, etc.. that's a load of shit. You can back because I made you feel good, beautiful and special - because you are.
I think back and look at things you wrote to me and your 100 dedication list from last year and realize again how bad being a secret sucks.
Is there any winner when the one person that I would choose if I had to, the one person that I could say hello to every single day until I die... I would pick you. Just to say Hi. Now I have been told that if I even attempt to utter just one hello to you, I am going to be in trouble. Its really really crazy to go this far with someone, have it go where its gone and in the end...
One says to the other - you are still everything. The other says back - you are now nothing.
I get the day-to-day practically decision making here but looking at this entire length of time from 10,000 feet - I can not figure out 30 seconds of any of this.. I don't get why I was called to you,what I was supposed to do and why it all worked out like this. If you could experience the feelings I have had through all of this, you would be mortified. If you could feel 50% of the feelings you would be amazed and then you realize what your actions have looked and felt like from my side and if you could do that ... I don't think you could comprehend the sadness and the guilt.
I have a lot of things I wish i would have done differently with this. I never though that all that there would be left is a few items in the tattered pocket of my wallet and some digital images that you are hoping to forget even exist. In some ways yesterday kinda felt like my heart was like the air bag in a car... in reverse. I will say this and stop for today... you are now and will forever remain, if nothing more... my friend. A very beautiful, special, intelligent, powerful and badly missed best friend.
Until then stay insane, it makes for a better world, believe me.
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