No Wax:::Words "I Wonder" Originally written 2/11/12

"I Wonder"

I wonder... sitting here on the swing on a beautiful Saturday.   I feel like half of me is missing.  So close yet so far but oh so truly vital to me.  I wonder...
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I wonder... how many saturdays will I sit here and try to figure out what to do next.  I wonder...
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I wonder... how many days will be consumed by the idea of where you are, what your doing, what your eyes are seeing?  Are you smiling on the inside too? I wonder...
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I wonder... how it is that I can be simply filled. Filled so greatly that it leaves no room for fear, anger, doubt or pain.  I realize it comes from you only as you drive away and its pulled from me as if it was attached to you physically. I wonder...
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I wonder... how many people will critize, chastize and ridicule me for allowing my feelings to matter.  Matter too much as they often alter my life.  I wonder if they know they alter me to.  I wonder...
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I wonder... how long will I simply sit and watch the world go by.  I know that after hurricane winds, tsumani waves, earthquakes and desert heat - light breezes, flat seas, minute vibrations and tepid tempretures barely garner any attention at all.  I wonder...
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I wonder ... that after having my heart and soul gripped so tightly by your presence, how long will it take after you let go before I will I be able to feel anything like you again.  Light touches are barely felt. I wonder...
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I wonder... I wonder how long it will take for me to realize that once your gone you not coming back.  I hope I figure out that I never really had you anyway.  Maybe then knowing you are not returning won't be so bad. I wonder....
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I wonder... how long it will take to consider love again.  It will takes as long as it takes for me to see the world in color again.  This takes time.  I wonder...
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I wonder... I wonder most why?... 
Why the rich get richer?  
Those who seem disinterested get attention, those who seem unaffected get overstimulated?  
Those who value little are rewarded greatly. 
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I wonder what in the world really happened here?  
Who saved who?  
What was given and what was removed?  
Who was the gift? 
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Why can't you see what I do. 
What is more accurate my sight or your vision in a mirror.  I wonder..
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I know... you are the gift.  
I know... you saved me. 
I know... you are not appreciated and treated like the beautiful woman you are should be.  
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I know... I love you.   
I know... you need to go.  
I know... it will never be the same without you.  
I know... I need to not be angry. 
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I know... I never really had you.  
I know... I was never really worthy anyway.   
I know ... that I will never understand .
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No Wax::: Words I "Set for Life"

Words I "Set For Life"  




I would like to welcome you here;  No Wax - Volume #1.  My name is Walter and this is my blog.  I write and publish my thoughts and insights here so that you can get a glimpse into my mind and how I think.  Subsequently, you will also witness what its like to be insane  - as I believe that I am.  I am well aware that I am insane.  I have proven it, experienced it  and will for all of you who come here... I will  try to explain it the best that I can.
I would like to say that no matter who you are and if i know you in my regular day to day life - Nothing that you will find here was placed with the intention of hurting any one's feelings.  That will never be my goal...  I want you to know that  my intention is only to try to explain how I am feeling in the moment.  I makes me feel better and hopefully you understand me better.
I have waited and waited to write this very first dispatch to you.  The site has been up for a month and today is the first time I write to you all directly.  Its not as if nothing has happened - it is absolutely astonishing really  - everything that has transpired.  The cast of characters in my life are likely the most colorful part of it all.  Lets see - with Lola, BK, Boss, Sweetie, B man, Capt.K and myself, aka soldier, the stories can't get crazier than this...
I will be back soon to catch you up.  I will also re post the earlier writings that some of you may not have seen yet.
Until then - try to stay insane - it makes for a better world, believe me.